Two Is Better Than One
I have never been anyone's number one. I have never been anyone's best friend, anyone's girlfriend, or even my parents' favorite daughter. I'm not even their first daughter. I have always been second, third, fourth...
I'm not even my own number one.
It's not jealousy. Not even close. It's just a desperate need for love and attention. All the things I've been wanting for a long time and never got to have. It's the reminder that there has to be something wrong with me to put me in second place every single time, ever since I was little. In school. At home. At work.
There's always this voice inside my head reminding me that I can't trust anyone, because no matter who I think I can trust, they'll turn their back on me at the next great occasion. There's always a number one waiting somewhere, and it has never been me, nor will it ever be. I may not be able to predict the future, but some things are just obvious from the start.
I try, though. I pay attention to people. I listen to what they have to say. Maybe not enough, because sometimes I get lost in my head and think of my problems first. But I care, more than they can possibly imagine. Details catch my attention, and my memory is incomparable. But what good does remembering little details do if they don't even care? Why am I always wasting my time on caring so much when no one cares back?
Being number two can't be so bad, right? It's better than being number three, or four. Or ten. But being number two gets my hopes up. I always think that I'll eventually reach number one, and, well, I'm disappointed when I don't. Not for friends. Not for family. Not even for a guy.
Not even for myself.
So I usually give up. I cry and get angry, and I want to push people away because, really, what's the point? They don't even care. Some say they do, most let me go. The ones that do care just don't care enough. I know they'll give up on me at some point, because something better always comes along. It's just a matter of time, and the clock is always ticking.
It's just a matter of time until I'm completely alone.
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